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How spicy is too spicy? It’s a question with which anyone who has ever fulfilled the honour and task of best man has had to grapple. The cataclysmic wedding speech is a comedy staple and now widely available on TikTok.
Since the reader who posed this question did not actually specify their role, let me just add that no one wants to hear smut from the father of the bride, least of all the bride herself. This is one of those days to play it safe, old love. Oh, and pretty much the same applies to the priest. Although a really filthy accompanying sermon would definitely elevate the nuptials to unforgettable status and ensure a social media career for #dirtyvicar.
The bride and groom (or indeed groom and groom, bride and bride) can pretty much do what they like as long as they have agreed it with each other first and don’t mind being judged by everyone who knows them for the rest of their lives.
So let’s assume we are talking about the besties here. The best man or woman has a degree of licence. But think of this as the rhetorical equivalent of kissing your granny. On the cheek is safe; on the lips is a bit off but forgivable, but no one wants to see you slipping her the tongue.
Having fulfilled this role myself (the best man part, not the Frenching granny), I’ve done some work on the model. It is a bit of a no-win situation, but there is a clear structure to an optimal best-man speech. You start with a mildly self-deprecating comment, move swiftly on to a series of anecdotes that must be both hilarious and bland, before concluding with an emotional and heartfelt tribute to your friend that always begins with the words “but seriously”. If you want to stay friends, you might also throw in a few flattering but insincere words about the bride, who must always be far too good for her husband.
The two key questions when it comes to spicing it up are how well do you know your audience and how much do you care if you never see the tiresome couple again? I mean, let’s face it, the best man’s speech is frequently the last hurrah to an old pal you will never see again after the event but who saves the groom from having to choose between a new crowd of mates, all of whom will be offended if it’s not them.
We are in more liberal times, however, and some people feel they can push the issue. We no longer expect our couple to be chaste, so if there is a great story they’ve been happy to tell others, then perhaps there is scope. But even here there is a difference between revealing graphic boudoir tales to a few close pals and having them declaimed to everyone you ever knew as a child. One can work around it. A story of the couple caught in flagrante by the estate agent selling their flat could work and certainly livens up the concept of a show home. Even if you do venture into this territory, stick to the generalities. Twenty shades of vanilla is infinitely preferable to Fifty Shades of Grey.
Anything that involves handcuffs, fluids, threesomes or devices is probably best left to the stag and hen nights. And fart gags: these seem to crop up a lot in best men speeches. Seriously, put a cork in them.
Another common staple seems to be a speech built around the mistaken belief that the groom was gay. There is a clip on TikTok of a best man singing about his younger brother’s feminine tendencies. And while it is very well done and the groom must have had some idea what he was letting himself in for, one can’t get past the uneasy thought that he has had to put up with this for his whole life. It’s also a further validation of the case for looking outside the family for this task.
Finally, read the room. If the family has booked Cliveden for the reception and everyone is wearing dinner jackets, then play it safe. It is not actually your day, and the good news is that if the speech is a bit bland no one will remember. Think about all those older relatives, not just the Frenching granny.
But look, don’t fret. As long as things work out well for the couple, you aren’t going to be asked to do it again anyway.
Email Robert at [email protected]
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